17 January 2013

You're a coward, but so am I.

I think I'm becoming who they think I will and thought I would
but I can't be sure
so I'm trying not to be afraid of being a phony
because we are all phonies at sometime or another and that's not even a joke

and that's not just me trying to sound like Holden Caulfield
it's just that if something has already been said well, why mess it up?
I read the classics. I like them.
I grew up on Bette Davis and I wanted to be Linda Ronstadt at one point.
Still kinda do.
I wish I could be mean like Dorothy Parker.

I'm drinking whiskey at 9am.
I'm sitting here looking at the weird wonderfulness of this thing
this being twenty five
and loving it
and hating it
so much
and wishing I had the courage to live it and not ever want to apologize
because I fall in and out of love so quickly.
I forget the good things I learned
I remember them and then they're gone again.

You were too handsome
we all decided it
before you ever even made your move.
It was beyond fun. Really. It was.
I don't even know what to do with myself right now because I'm so afraid if I laugh or cry or say it too loudly I'll lose it. This thing.

I remember laughing and wanting to just be there
all there
and in a way I was
and I'm glad
and in a way right then I wasn't the biggest coward in the world.