You're a coward, but so am I.

I think I'm becoming who they think I will and thought I would
but I can't be sure
so I'm trying not to be afraid of being a phony
because we are all phonies at sometime or another and that's not even a joke

and that's not just me trying to sound like Holden Caulfield
it's just that if something has already been said well, why mess it up?
I read the classics. I like them.
I grew up on Bette Davis and I wanted to be Linda Ronstadt at one point.
Still kinda do.
I wish I could be mean like Dorothy Parker.

I'm drinking whiskey at 9am.
I'm sitting here looking at the weird wonderfulness of this thing
this being twenty five
and loving it
and hating it
so much
and wishing I had the courage to live it and not ever want to apologize
because I fall in and out of love so quickly.
I forget the good things I learned
I remember them and then they're gone again.

You were too handsome
we all decided it
before you ever even made your move.
It was beyond fun. Really. It was.
I don't even know what to do with myself right now because I'm so afraid if I laugh or cry or say it too loudly I'll lose it. This thing.

I remember laughing and wanting to just be there
all there
and in a way I was
and I'm glad
and in a way right then I wasn't the biggest coward in the world.

A Reminder:

1. Raise your eyes

2. Enunciate

3. Have more fun than you thought you'd have

4. Be someone's favorite

5. Be inspired

6. Get curious

7. Be on time

8. Know a good joke

9. Be yourself

10. Laugh at yourself

11. Like what you like

12. Know that "normal" is a relative term

13. Take on new challenges

14. Really talk

15. Really listen

A Night Mid July.

I fill my mind til bursting
in pressures of receiving, retrieving
cramming a brain-full into already tight confines.
I remember little. From so much.
I remember a crash, a broken promise,
a once-beautiful girl.
I remember laughing
and trying to make everyone realize how
funny life is.

I trip through.
Filling my mind,
knowing I will not remember,
knowing that much will be sacrificed,
because we are mere humans
and being human can suck.

But that humanity is our confine.

We fill our bodies, our minds,
we try to be alive, alert, knowledgeable.

I recall a night it rained mid-July.
Was that normal? Doesn't matter.

Living and writing it down,

but not wanting it to sound real.

Breathing and thinking and hoping that everyone feels as crazy and good and blessed and bizarre and ungrateful as you do.

Speaking to a stranger on the bus and not noticing the rip in his overcoat or ignoring the slur on his tongue when he tries to tell you about his life and how his wife left. She was beautiful.

Taking what you're given because you're too shy to get what you really want, or you don't want to come across as pushy, because that's just what people do sometimes.

Not speaking what is in your mind, even though you both know what isn't being said.

Becoming what you are SUPPOSED to become, not what you dreamed about under the sailboat quilt in your childhood bedroom.

Realizing that a dream is just that: a dream. Until you do something about it.

Not being able to see the worst in people, even though they lie, they're scared, and they break your heart.

Going slow and just noticing: the way babies unabashedly stare each other down; how most people don't seem to care that they're talking really loud about really personal things in really public areas; the way saying I love you sounds so simple, but just feeling it can save your life.

Just an idea I had.

Marry me.
Let's live on a boat,
Sail always.
Let's live off granola and
cheap wine and
the warmth of our bodies.
Let's just laugh and
be young and be
us.

So long, Farewell.

Au revoir Dressember, bonjour 2012!
In closing this month of dresses I just want to say how much fun this was! Thanks for the non-stop inspiration, Bythe Hill, Amy Hood, and all the other ladies who participated!  I can't wait til next year.

[Day 30. Glow-in-the-dark Golfing parking lot. NDB.]

[Day 31. Happy New Year's Eve!]

[Detail shot. Because I actually painted my nails.]

Almost there.

Can't believe Dressember is almost over!